At Life Stylin’, a date is what you’d go on to get to know someone better, and with a view to starting a relationship with them- and they you, of course. It’s when two people want to spend some time together and get to know each other and what each other is about, and what they’re looking for. They might have different ideas of what they want from it, from there, but if you’re in the Life Stylin’ community, you’ll know what I’m all about relationships and helping people get into and be in them.
Essentially, it’s an audition, but when you realise that you’re auditioning each other, the scariness level can drop dramatically, while retaining the excitement level.
Change your thinking around it, from an audition to an opportunity can change the whole complexion of the word. It doesn’t have to be scary. It’s a chance for you to verbalise what you’re about, what you’re looking for, and how you’re trying to achieve it- and remember that you’re checking them out too, so it’s about both of you, not just what you say and do.
When I changed my thinking about job interviews, and realised that I was interviewing them as well, my nerves took on a whole new meaning. I was excited at the possibility that I might find a great company to work for, which embraces me and my personality, and all the skills I’ve acquired over the years.
It also meant that I became more comfortable telling my story, and asking questions which I needed to know more about- because the answers helped me decide if I wanted to work there or not.
The same can be applied to dates.
In the Life Stylin’ world, a date is what you go on to get to know someone, or if you already know them, it’s to spend time with them getting to know them better.
When you’re single, a date comes before a relationship, and it’s a really big part of getting to a relationship. A lot of people confuse dating with being in a relationship, but one comes before the other.
If you’re seriously looking for a relationship, it’s really time to grow up, and get some balls- or you won’t be getting any of what you really want- and that might just include ball action!
A date is an appointment with someone, in a romantic or non platonic way.
The word “date” is used loosely by some people, and sparingly by others who do anything to avoid using it!
I’d like the word to have a lot more respect than it’s getting. Sometimes, it’s hard for singles to know if they’re going on a date or not, what with all the frequent use of the term ‘catch up’ and loose arrangements which may or may not go ahead in the end. I aim for a universal use of the word so that everyone can know whether they’re going on a date or not, even if the word isn’t said during the arranging.
People talk about dating themselves, or going on dates with their children and both of those uses disturb me for lots of reasons. One of them is that those uses change the meaning of the word, thus changing the respect and importance of the word. Dates are for Singles and people wanting to spend more time together in a romantic sense! Leave that word alone, unless that’s you, peeps!
What a Date Should Be
A date means that you’re setting aside that time in your life to spend with someone, getting to know them, seeing if they’re on the same page as you. Do they want the same things as you?
Whether you know the person a little already, have met them briefly, or haven’t met them at all, they deserve the respect you’d expect from them. And, if you’re serious about trying to find someone, you’ll give yourself the opportunity to show yourself and some of your amazing qualities to them, while learning about them.
You need to be comfortable, and not feel rushed. Choosing a date which will go for a little while, like an activity or a dinner, will give you both the chance to get comfortable and ease into being in each other’s presence.
It doesn’t have to be a scary proposition. It’s what you make of it.
Create the opportunity which gives you the best chance to show yourself in a great way, and get to know them, which means it should be something which involves the two of you talking to each other.
Thus, dinners, activities like mini golf, walks together are in.
Coffees, movies, etc are out.
Obviously, your personality will decree the type of date that you prefer, but you won’t always get to make that decision. Therefore, you’ll need to be somewhat flexible- just as you’ll need to be in the ensuing relationship.
What a Date Shouldn’t Be
It shouldn’t be a looksee, or a bloody drive by.
Looksees are used to have a quick glance over something to assess for suitability. If you’re looking for the person who will be in your life forever, do you really want to rush that decision?
I’ve heard of people who’ve arranged dates and driven passed and had a look and kept on driving. I find that crass and not conducive or respectful to the dating process! Sure, we get first impressions of people, but do you want someone judging you solely on your appearance, or would you like them to get to know you a little as well?
Then give yourself the best chance to let that glittering personality shine and set up a date which is longer than 10 minutes.
As far as I’m concerned, a date shouldn’t be over in record time, unless it’s been very clear from the start that neither of you is interested in the other. Scheduling a short meeting with someone can do you both an injustice because you don’t get the chance to really get started. It’s not about notching up as many dates as you can. If you’re dating to be able to tell your friends how many dates you’ve been on, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons and need to stop it immediately.
If you’re going on so many dates that you don’t have time to dedicate to each one, and so you choose Coffee or Drinks dates more often than not, then it could be that you’re not spending enough time vetting them in the first place. I’ll be releasing some Online Dating tips soon which will help you decide who to go on a date with, so that you can get the most out of each date. Email me if you need those sooner!
I’m not a fan of coffee dates, so let’s rule those out straight away as great ideas for dates.
Coffee dates are, by nature, short and sweet. If you’re looking for a relationship, you should want to spend some time with the person and get to know them.
Often, it’s because they don’t have good enough conversation skills to last longer than 20 minutes, or have anxiety about how to finish up the date if they don’t have somewhere to rush off to (I have to get back to work, must dash!).
Someone who has been out of the dating world for a while might want to ease back into dating with a coffee date. That’s okay, but for people who are serious about finding someone, a date you can actually gain something from will be better for you.
These are like coffee dates, where the organiser isn’t willing to commit to a real date, (or doesn’t think you will be) and get to know you or put themselves out there. Sometimes, drinks can lead to dinner, but frankly, I find ‘drinks’ really shortsighted, as they highlight the audition aspect of the date rather than the genuine desire to get to know the person.
Depending on the time the drinks date is set, it could be about getting you home and into the sack. Is that what you want? If you’re after a relationship, and don’t want to start it that way, then I wouldn’t advise late drinks, or drinks at all.
Perhaps it’s more about them than it is about the person they’re meeting. By that, I don’t mean you in particular- because Drinks Date organisers are serial- it becomes their thing, just like for Coffee Daters.
Whether they have conversation issues, are busy, or aren’t willing to invest in the date, these dates have one common theme. A coffee or drinks date is code for, ‘I want to check out what you look like, and then if I like you, maybe we’ll have a real date.’
Every date has an element of that, even a dinner date, but you both deserve better than to be assessed over the shortest time possible!
What You Want to Achieve From a Date?
After your date, you should have a fairly clear idea of the type of person you’ve just met, whether you like them, what they’re looking for, whether your personalities gelled. It can really be as simple as that.
If the conversation went deep, you might know more than that. On some Bachelor dates, they go straight for, “I want to get married in a couple of years and have children,” but that doesn’t always happen in real life. So, information like that might not be available on the first date and pushing for it might get a negative response- especially if you’re firing questions at them like a lawyer to a criminal on trial. A person’s unwillingness to talk about a topic doesn’t necessarily denote caginess, they just might not feel like spilling their guts on a first date. And, if they’ve been on lots of first dates (and there’s NOTHING wrong with that) they’re probably not inclined to go through their whole story each time. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just means that you might not be able to get the info you want on that first date.
In that case, you would need to go on the way you interacted with each other, staff and other people you encountered, and whether your other tastes aligned or complimented each other or if they clashed.
I’ve had dates where the guy has been intent on ‘sealing the deal’ and making me his girlfriend by the end of it- so that was a definite sign of how eager he was for a girlfriend- but it didn’t make me feel that it was me he was looking for- just a girl.
The main thing you’ll know is whether you’re attracted to them! Let’s be honest, that’s the main reason most of us go on dates, we want some spark and electricity, even if sex isn’t on the agenda today (and it shouldn’t be). The attraction still needs to be there, so be on high alert for that (and I know you will be ♥).
How Do You Know if You’re on a Date?
Knowing whether you’re on a date or not, can make a huge difference in the way you behave, what you talk about, and the way you present yourself. Why wouldn’t you give yourself the best chance of knowing, and thus, showing yourself? When someone uses the ‘d’ word, you know that you’re on the same wavelength. That will help you to decide if you say yes or not! You do have the choice, you know.
My tip? Use the word! Ask someone out, and if someone asks you out, clarify what they’re asking you for. Be brave, and clarify, because you don’t want to be preparing for a date when the other person isn’t!
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